We’ve all said “yes” when we wanted to say “no.” Maybe you agreed to host a last-minute gathering for a friend, stayed silent during a hurtful conversation, or took on extra work to avoid disappointing others. These small acts of people-pleasing might seem harmless, even kind—but over time, they can chip away at your mental health, leaving you feeling anxious, resentful, and drained.
In Moment of Anxiety, Dr. Miguel A. Fernandez—a chiropractic sports physician and mental health advocate specializing in stress-related disorders—reveals how these everyday compromises, especially in toxic relationships, become silent triggers for chronic anxiety. Let’s explore why putting others first often comes at the cost of your inner peace and how to break the cycle.
What Is People-Pleasing, and Why Does It Backfire?
People-pleasing means prioritizing others’ needs over your own to avoid conflict or gain approval. On the surface, it seems harmless. You say “yes” to extra work to keep your boss happy. You stay silent in arguments to keep the peace. But over time, this habit erodes your boundaries and self-worth.
Dr. Fernandez explains that people-pleasing isn’t selflessness—it’s a survival tactic. Your brain learns to equate “being liked” with safety. But when you constantly suppress your needs, resentment builds, and anxiety follows. You might feel tense before social events, dread confrontations, or lie awake worrying, Did I upset someone?
Toxic Relationships: The Anxiety Amplifier
Not all relationships drain you, but toxic ones—whether with a critical parent, a manipulative friend, or a demanding coworker—act like slow leaks in your emotional gas tank. These dynamics thrive on imbalance: one person takes, the other gives until they’re empty.
For example, imagine a friend who vents daily about their problems but never asks how you’re doing. Or a partner who dismisses your feelings. Over time, these interactions train your brain to stay hyper-alert, waiting for the next criticism or demand. As Dr. Fernandez notes in Moment of Anxiety, this constant vigilance keeps stress hormones like cortisol elevated, leaving you physically and mentally exhausted.
How to Spot Anxiety Triggers in Relationships
Recognizing toxic patterns is the first step to reclaiming your peace. Ask yourself:
- Do I feel drained, guilty, or tense after interacting with this person?
- Do I hide my true opinions to avoid conflict?
- Do I prioritize their needs even when it harms me?
Dr. Fernandez emphasizes that anxiety often flares in relationships where you feel powerless. For instance, a workplace bully might trigger panic attacks before meetings or a judgmental relative could leave you second-guessing every choice. These reactions aren’t “overthinking”—they’re your body’s way of signaling, This dynamic isn’t safe.
The Vicious Cycle: People-Pleasing Fuels Anxiety, Anxiety Fuels People-Pleasing
Here’s the trap: Anxiety makes people-pleasing worse. If you fear rejection, you’ll work harder to “earn” love or approval. But the more you ignore your needs, the louder your anxiety grows.
Think of Mara, a nurse who covered extra shifts to please her colleagues. She felt guilty saying no, but the exhaustion left her irritable and anxious. Eventually, she dreaded work and withdrew from friends. Her story shows how people-pleasing creates a self-sustaining loop of stress.
Breaking Free: 3 Strategies from Moment of Anxiety
Set Boundaries with Compassion
Boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re self-care. Start small: “I can’t take on that project right now” or “I need time to think before I respond.” Dr. Fernandez explains that clear limits reduce the mental clutter of resentment and guilt.
Practice Assertive Communication
Replace phrases like “I’m sorry, but…” with “I need…” or “I feel…” For example, “I need to leave by 6 PM today” instead of “Sorry, I can’t stay late.” This shifts the focus from appeasing others to honoring your needs.
Reconnect with Your Values
Ask: What matters to me? If authenticity matters, prioritize honest conversations. If peace matters, step back from drama. Aligning actions with values builds confidence and reduces anxiety.
Real-Life Shifts: Stories of Courage
Take Alex, a teacher who felt trapped by his boss’s unrealistic demands. After reading Moment of Anxiety, he started politely declining extra tasks. At first, his anxiety spiked—What if I get fired?—but over time, his confidence grew. His boss respected his limits, and his chronic headaches faded.
Or Katherine, who realized her family’s constant criticism fueled her social anxiety. She began setting phone boundaries (“I’ll call back when I’m ready”) and seeking supportive friends. Slowly, her anxiety lost its grip.
Why This Matters for Your Brain and Body
Toxic relationships don’t just hurt emotionally—they alter brain chemistry. Chronic stress shrinks the prefrontal cortex (the area for rational thinking) and enlarges the amygdala (the fear center). This makes you more reactive to perceived threats, even minor ones.
But there’s hope. Dr. Fernandez shares in Moment of Anxiety that rebuilding healthy relationships can reverse these changes. Every time you assert a boundary or choose kindness to yourself, you train your brain to associate self-respect with safety.
Final Words
People-pleasing and toxic relationships might feel normal, but they’re not inevitable. As Dr. Miguel A. Fernandez illustrates in Moment of Anxiety, recognizing these triggers empowers you to reclaim your time, energy, and peace. It’s not about cutting everyone off—it’s about choosing connections that nurture, not drain, you.
Ready to transform your relationships and calm your anxiety? Order a copy of Moment of Anxiety by Dr. Miguel A. Fernandez for actionable tools to break free from people-pleasing and build healthier bonds.